Death is inconvenient. It is hard to manage and understand. Death is expensive. Death is exhausting. No one really likes it. Many Americans are striving to make peace with the concept of death in one way or another lately.
What to do when a family member is dying and you’re in charge:
There are many you tube pages and blogs on the subject. Lots of memoirs written by funeral professionals. The industry magazines and newspapers are not easy for the public to get a hold of and wouldn’t exactly help a person not in the business.
Did they tell you it is “all taken care of”? That could mean two things:
1- They went to a funeral home and met with a person known in the industry as a “pre-need counselor” and prepaid for a cremation or traditional funeral. Also, hopefully they also met with the folks at the cemetery where they want to be buried if they are going for a burial of either a casket or an urn. Surprisingly, many people pay for the cremation or casket and accouterments for a visitation (wake) and service but not always for the cemetery portion. The arrangements for these things are arduous even under the best circumstances. Lots of questions about one person’s life history and personal details, much introspection and fortitude required on the part of the person who might actually be making these arrangements for themselves ahead of time. Much guessing and agonizing about getting it right on the part of left behind family members trying to make all these decisions in the throes of the grief of a death having just occurred.
2- The person who told you it was “all taken care of” knew in their own heart which funeral home they expected you would pick, and if necessary, which cemetery, and may have even stopped by one or both of these businesses and talked to an employee there. Maybe they took a tour. Possibly they shared a cup of coffee and expressed some of their desires with a funeral director. Funeral directors love to drink coffee and chat with anybody when they have time. Half of the families I met over the years who came in after the death happened to tell me “mom said it was all taken care of,” well, in mom’s heart it was. But unfortunately it really wasn’t based on the unspoken, undefined belief that “all taken care of” really =”paid for”. No one is trying to be obtuse, out of line, this is just a really common miscommunication between all of us, good intentions meant at every wrong turn.
This is the Practical Guide to Undertaking: "A brief manual to do our best to help you when you are dealing with the practical aspects of death."
The first 3 things to know or decide:
A-What song is most important to listen to together in this person’s memory?
B-Will they be cremated or buried or both?
C-What is the most important detail about their life that anyone who knew them would recognize as a “truth” in an obituary?
- It is helpful for any of us at any time to know or decide this stuff and write it down somewhere where the people closest to you can find it. The first one is not a joke or just my personal preference. It could also be a poem or saying that most defines the person. But this little jot of information sets the group or individual assembled to accomplish this task on a strong, good trajectory for the arrangements. This is the spark that will coalesce a memorial service, celebration, any tributes you are going to perform for the dearly departed.
- Knowledge of the second question is going to require just a bit more information for the consumer to answer this best for themselves and their family:
*Is this going to finalize in a BURIAL or a CREMATION? A burial will mean a casket, a vault and a cemetery. Technically, that is all it means. The embalming, the big church service, the viewing or wake, that's all personal preference, add-ons, if you will. The pageantry of a good funeral. You can have all these same aspects with cremation also. Many families do so using a rental casket or a wood or cardboard casket. A cremation will mean a casket (most oft*en a cardboard box "casket" is the default because it is the least expensive at most funeral homes), and a retort, which is the fancy name for the 1800F chamber that will turn a person into "ashes"/cremated remains. These come back in a box and weigh an average of 5-7 pounds. If you then want to put those cremated remains into an urn that you've made or bought, you can. If you then want to bury that urn or the box of ashes you may or may not need a vault, depending on the cemetery. All of these things a funeral home professional will automatically help you with, including putting the ashes straight into your choice of urn. There is also a burial without a casket or vault, where a person is wrapped or shrouded in a strong, lovely material and buried directly in the earth. Cemeteries that are open for this type of burial can be found in most states but will take a little research to find. Again, any decent funeral home will help you with this option also.
3. For the third, formats for obituaries vary from town to town, from paper to paper. The formats all have more in common than different. There is no penalty for writing whatever the spirit moves you to write. It’s cathartic. Say the deceased was not always easy to live with; take a night off and write down everything you really feel. Then throw that away and write something like this:
Name of deceased, age, passed away/died/went home, etc. date, city and state (exact location if you wish, like name of hospital). Pronoun is survived by, leaves behind to mourn, etc. spouse/partner, children, parents, siblings, (after those relations “A host of friends, aunts, cousins” usually you just shorten it up and get general. Most acquaintances will know if the person who died came from a big or small clan of people. Obituaries are used by future generations for genealogical purposes so bear that in mind but don’t stress about it. So are death certificates. We will do that in a little bit.)
Now get into the meat. This is what the third question I asked is referencing, truly. For example, I would want my obituary to say that I was a musician. No, I don’t play in a band. No I don’t practice as much as I should. Yes I do like to jam at parties and play “Angel From Montgomery” for my girlfriends when we gather. So this puts an impetus on me to continue to practice and play for other people as often as I can so that when I die it would make sense for someone to write this about me in my obituary. Theoretically, just being aware of this as an individual should strongly be influencing the choices I am making today! My Aunt Monica wrote her obituary a few years before she died. (She died at 47 of breast cancer ☹.) She went and sat for a great photo of herself, with hair, that Uncle Wally was blood bound to use when the time came. She beyond hated bad pictures of herself and one of her little sayings was “I reserve the right to tear up any picture of me I don’t like.” So she definitely prepared ahead! She had her own organization business. She maintained her friendships well all the way back through primary school. Her obituary talked about the things she wanted to be remembered for because she wrote it. Reading it again now, not only do I choke up in the middle of the library, where I sit writing, as I pull it up from the ancestry.com archive, having spent my formative years with her I hear her voice clearly from one dimension to the next. Yours and mine will talk about us too, the things we were most known for in life show up in this brief yet important blurb in the paper or post on facebook. I had always hoped to make a name enough for myself to merit a radio announcement on NPR. So I can use this very paragraph with my therapist anytime to analyze why I did NOT pursue so many things I wished for while alive. Compare that with the obituary we all got together and wrote about my granddad Max. But Ladies first!
Monica May LaLonde
LALONDE, Monica May, beloved wife, aunt, sister, friend and child of God, went to be with Jesus on January 25th, 2004 at 3:15pm. She was born on May Day 1956 in Long Beach, CA and raised in a family of 10 kids in Lakewood, CA. In 1982 she began her relationship with Jesus and thus walked the rest of her days with her Savior. Wally LaLonde and Monica met in church and were married in 1991. She loved much her many nieces and nephews. She enjoyed art, gardening and discussing issues of the Bible and faith. Monica requests that donations to CBE be made in lieu of flowers. Her body has been donated to UNM. There will be a celebration service of remembrance on Saturday, February 7th at 11:00 am, in Rio Rancho Christians for Biblical Equality, 122 W Franklin Ave. Ste 218, Minneapolis, MN 55404-2451
Published January 31, 2004 in the Long Beach Press-Telegram
Richard May 1925 - 2007 Richard "Dick/Max" May passed away on May 20th in Long Beach, CA. Max and his twin brother Edward "Ted" were born in Piqua, Ohio on August 5, 1925 to Ralph and Christine May. He served in the Navy in WWII and me t Irene Luque at the USO in Los Angeles, marrying on Easter Day, 1945. They made their home in Lakewood, CA and raised 10 children who attended schools in Lakewood and Long Beach. Max worked in the aerospace industry with Aerojet and McDonnell Douglas, spending his last 2 years before retiring in Shanghai, China. A life-long artist, he drew, painted and created collages while supporting his large family. Retiring to Albuquerque, New Mexico, Max and Irene spent many good years there enjoying the vista of the Sandia Mountains from their home while Max played senior baseball with great joy. Preceded in death by his wife, Irene and his daughter, Monica LaLonde; he is survived by 9 children; 11 grandchildren; and 7 great-grandchildren. Max was a free-spirit who just couldn't help "marching to a different drummer," even with all his responsibilities. His presence will be missed by his children and all who knew him. His ashes will be scattered at sea on June 8th, followed by a family gathering in Long Beach, CA.
Published in the Long Beach Press-Telegram on June 3, 2007
* It’s interesting in retrospect how short Auntie Mono kept hers and how long all of us together made granddad’s in comparison. The first obituary we had to deal with as a family was our Matriarch’s, La Reina, my Gramey Irene’s.
Albuquerque Journal - July 20, 2003
Irene Clotilde May, beloved wife, sister, mother, grandmother and friend passed away peacefully on Tuesday, July 15, 2003 at age 79 in Albuquerque. She was born January 19, 1924 in Los Angeles, CA. She is preceded in death by her mother, Refugio Luque. She is survived by her husband of 57 years, Richard (Max) May; sister, Mary Luque of CA; brother-in-law, Ted and his wife, Carol of MO; son, Richard and wife, Hiroko of Japan; son, Michael and wife, Miki of Honolulu; daughters, Cristina and husband, Ray Cowden of CA, Anita and husband, Karl Derfler of CA, Maya and husband, Harold Williams of Portland, OR, Suzanne and husband, Rob Chansky of CA, Lorraine and husband, Roger Gay of Albuquerque, Monica and husband, Wally LaLonde of Rio Rancho, Melani of ID; and son, Matthew of CA. She is also survived by her grandchildren, Sonya and husband, Roger Owens of CA, Rick of CA, Mary of CA, Carmen of MI, Donal of CA, Michelle of HI, Mina of HI, Matthew of HI, Mark of HI, and Lucas of OR. She is also survived by great-grandchildren, Desiree, Alyssa and Mariah all of CA. She touched many lives and will be greatly missed by all who love her. Services are being handled by Sunrise Cremation. The Memorial Service will be held Monday, August 4, 2003 at 11:00 a.m. at 7601 Wyoming NE.
Not only was this the first obit we wrote as a family, (at the time I was far away and this was the death that brought me into the funeral profession, as well as back to the southwest from my wanderings), I’ve just discovered how the voice of the obituary makes it clear that Irene was all about family. That would be the simple way one would answer the third question in relation to Irene. Powerfully, think about this question in relation to your life today. What do you want your obituary to say? And when you have died, what do you think your loved ones would actually write about you? Perhaps this is a good after dinner game for holiday gatherings 😊.