question

My dad died on Wednesday from pancreatic cancer. He was 55. My brother and I are not close but we get along. I flew in to Arizona to go to the funeral home and the mortician (is that what they are called) said she could get what she needed from my brother for us to have a cremation over the phone. Did I have to fly to Arizona for this or could I have stayed home and phoned it in too? We are just having a cremation. I don't mean to be cold but we aren't having a wake or anything, I'm not going to see him, I'm just taking the ashes with me when they are done.

ANSWER

My dear, I am so sorry. Whatever our relationships with our dads, death carries all kinds of unexpected grief and sometimes the guilt of relief. I'm glad to hear you get along with your brother. It just makes things easier. I hope that lasts. It may eb and flow as you make each decision, even for what the industry refers to as a "direct cremation", (A cremation with no services of any kind through the funeral home and no viewing of the person who has died. I've heard some states or locations require the family to "ID view" the deceased, but I have worked as a licensed funeral director and embalmer in many states and I've never encountered this as a mandate. I think it's because funeral directors are a magical combo of overworked and lazy and we love a direct cremation, contrary to popular belief, when we've been busy because we don't have to put in as much time and physical effort moving the deceased.) It is A LOT of paperwork and often times A LOT of arguing among family members for 1 main reason:

1) Cremation is very litigious. Most states absolutely require, if there is no spouse, no legal executor (As in a lawyer) and more than one child or grandchild or aunts and uncles or whoever is the most direct link left, that EVERYONE sign. A few states have recently adopted a majority rule. So if there are 2 kids, both have to sign, 3 aunts, 2 have to sign. However, most funeral homes will still try to get EVERYONE to sign because you would be amazed how many people sue over cremation. People who haven't spoken to the deceased in twenty years will suddenly demand all kinds of rights when the person dies. Death makes people crazy.

None of this answers the heart of your question. No, you did not have to fly to Arizona to go to the funeral home. You can do everything over the phone and through fax and email. But now that you are there, you can walk through dad's house, find out who he's been spending time with lately, and if you do want to see him, ask the funeral director (that's what we go by now!) Dad doesn't have to be embalmed and can be laid out privately just for you in a hospital gown. Now depending on how he passed this could be a tenuous situation, but 8 times out of 10, people look just fine.

QUESTION

Is it the law I have to have an obituary?

ANSWER

Short answer, NO. But please, allow something to be noted somewhere that a life has been lived and that it is passed. If you don't want to put it in the newspaper for a fee, post it online somewhere for the sake of loved ones you may not even know of or remember. We touch more lives when we are alive then we realize.

Practical Undertaking

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